bad flags

There are no rules about what deserves a flag. Flags are traditionally used for designating nation states. More recently, flags have represented political movements, multinational corporations and international organizations. Even some languages have flags. Crazy, I know. But how many flags for completely synthetic languages have you seen?

Lojban is a language invented in 1987 that was supposed to do what Esperanto couldn’t - unite the world with a common language. Well, we know how that turned out 21 years later. Not so much. In case there’s any more doubt, it seems like English is a pretty good choice for a universal language. Not just because I know it, but because billions of people know it and it borrows words from countless other languages.

Anyway, Lojban was a flop. And so is its flag. It looks like an orgiastic combination of male and female symbols. Or perhaps it’s reminiscent of Julia Sweeney’s infamously ambiguously gendered “Pat” of 1980s Saturday Night Live.

Another bad animal flag. I guess way out in Egypt’s Eastern Desert, there’s not a whole lot of wildlife to choose from. But I’m not quite sure what this beast is supposed to be. It’s in profile, so my first guess is unicorn, which is a.w.e.s.o.m.e. But my best guess is gazelle, which is kinda cool. But I thought gazelles had more of a tail than that. So my last guess is goat. Goats are pretty cool, but I’m not sure if they’re flag-worthy. I do think the eye spot is a big mistake. I think it would have been totally apparent that the sillhouette was an animal without the blobby eye being drawn on with a Sharpie or something. The gold trapezoid on the right side doesn’t add enough interest to warrant its presence.

Much international attention has been focused in recent years on the political instability in the Horn of Africa. As Somalia descended into Civil War, Ethiopia staves off food shortages and bad governance, and Eritrea fends off hostilities from its neighbors, splinter groups have found a fertile atmosphere.

The Afar Revolutionary Democratic Unity Front’s goal is to untie the ethnic Afar regions of Ethiopia, Eritrea, Djbouti and Somalia, apparently under the gun and torch - which doesn’t seem all that democratic to me. Other than the mixed messages, the flag is quite ingenious. It incorporates elements from the flags of Ethiopia (the star), Somalia (the light blue background), and Djbouti (the triangle.) The Afar Revolutionary Democratic Unity Front does not recognize Eritrea’s sovereignty.

If Vorumaa was an example of how to do an animal flag well, Smyadovo is an example of how not to do it. When set in a verdant valley bisected by a babling stream, Smyadovo’s wild boar looks more like a fat sow, and does not inspire awe or fear in the way Vorumaa’s wolf rampant. In fact, if I were the boyar of a neighboring voivodship 300 years ago, I may think about taking up arms and invading.

There’s no arguing: this flag is a.w.e.s.o.m.e. An armed and rabid lycanthrope on a green field. I’ll even forgive the square shape.

Kyrgyzstan - the nation that hates vowels. The Kyrgyz people also apparently hate visual appeal. Located between the breathtaking Tien Shan mountians and the Fergama Valley, famous for its apricots, Kyrgyzstan is a rugged nation of 5.3 million formerly dominated by the Soviet Union and only recently throwing off the shackles of autocratic leader Askar Akayev. Though Kyrgyzstan recently underwent the “Tulip Revolution” under Kurmanbek Bakiyev but political instability is rampant.

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The circle on the flag is supposed to represent a Kyrgyz yurt. The gold sun-shaped thing represents either the 40 Kyrgyz tribes or the 40 warriors of the mythical Kyrgyz hero Manas. Red is the national color. The duo or triple lines crossing the yurt are supposed to be support beams for said yurt. In all, a nice try at representing cultural keys, but there’s one big problem.

This flag leads me to believe the Kyrgyz people worship a giant flaming tennis ball in the sky. It would be a more appropriate flag for Andre Aggassi or Arantxa Sanchez Vicario.

How cool would it be to have a state called Land of Fire? That’s just how bad-ass Argentina is. Other locations in the state also have awesome names, like Ushuaia, the Straits of Magellan and Cape Horn. In precolonial times, the islands of Tierra del Fuego were home to the Fuegian people, thought to be more closely related to Australian aboriginies than Amerindians. Today, this land of glaciers and mountains is home to the southernmost settlements in the world.

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By all accounts, Tierra del Fuego is a beautiful and interesting place. Why then, did they chose this flag? First of all, the Southern Cross is entirely too predictable. You don’t see nearly as many places in the Northern Hemisphere finding the obsessive need to prove it with constellations on their flags. Maybe that’s just the insecurity that comes form living on the underside of the world. Secondly, the colors found naturally in Tierra del Fuego do not include tangerine. Next, sea gulls are the most ubiquitous avian on the face of the earth. They can even be found in parking lots in Des Moines. If it were my flag to design, I’d feature some more distinctive fauna, like the guanaco or penguin. Finally, the flag looks like it was drawn by a seven-year-old connecting the dots. In all, not an egregious effort, but definitely a bad flag.

 OK, I’ve been away for a while. I think Themistocles said it best after the Battle of Salamis: “Sometimes life interferes with badflags.” Anyway, my apologies, and as a token of my regrets for leaving you stranded without badflags, I now present the flag you’ve doubtless been waiting for.

Libya.

The only nation to have a single colored flag. My first thought: this is a very, very lazy flag. Simplicity has its virtures, but this one borders on the simpletonian. One color. Green represents both Islam, and Moamar Gaddhafi’s “Green Revolution.” That’s very well, but couldn’t Libyans think of anything else they might want to represent on their flag? Libya is a nation of amazing history and diversity. From the Greek and Roman ruins at Leptis Magna to prehistoric rock art in the Sahara, to the rich amalgam of Arab, Touraeg and Berber cultures. Nothing in there you’re proud enough of to put it on a flag?

Second, I think about the color: green. There are few nations less green than Libya. It’s a big a sham as calling Greenland “green.” Also the primary export is petroleum; and that’s as big a sham as calling ExxonMobil “green.” Looking at a Googe Earth map of Libya, it seems to me that tan would have been a far better choice:

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Finally, Libya has had a variety of flags in the past. This flag became the offical one in 1977 in protest of Egyptian President Anwar Sadat’s visit to Israel to form a partnership for peace in the Middle East. So it’s kinds of a historic FU to the Jews and those who wish for peace on earth. I know Gaddhafi has of late been much less of a tyrant and all-around a-hole than in the past. But wouldn’t anybody, even now, stand up to him to change the flag? Some of the old ones aren’t that bad - given the fact that strict adherence to Islam prevents the depiction of animals and people. And certainly after that whole Lockerbie business, you’d think Libya would want to repent a bit more. They did give up their nuclear weapons programs, and opened up more to the West, but come on.  Changing their flag would be a small gesture at accepting peace, making a break with the past and recognizing the creativity of the Libyan people.

Roughly translated, this flag reads “Invincible Province of Santa Fe.” I really hope they’re good with a spear and two arrows, because if that’s their munitions stockpile, they could be wiped out by one guy with a gun. Not so invincible. Alhtough in the ’60s and ’70s, Argentina did flirt with a veiled nuclear weapons program. A little bit of acting out at a time when the U.S. and Soivet Union were fighting proxy wars the world over, except for the Southern Cone. But then they thought it through: we’re Argentina, right? Who is our enemy? Brazil? Paraguay? Then the Argentines realized their efforts were best spent on drinking yerba mate, getting suntans and plastic surgery and wrapped it up.

Just like they like it in Texas: big and tacky. And pretty boastful too. (Legendary? I haven’t even heard a tall tale about Lubbock.) Music crossroads of Texas? I thought Austin was already the live music capital of the world - way to dream big, Lubbock. I suppose that means that all the musicians pass through Lubbock on their way to Austin or other places in Texas. That, or they’re just warning musicians that there is a strong chance they could get T-Boned there at that intersection. Slogans aside, this flag is really terrible. It looks like it was designed by one of the Designing Women - not any of the ones with taste, though - one of the ones who wore shoulder pads. Lots of colors going on, and lots of gradients. If there’s one thing that doesn’t work in a flag, it’s a gradient. I’m glad the designer learned how to use gradients in Adobe FrameMaker, but that didn’t need to make it into a flag.