Oh my God oh my God oh my God… The bears have learned to use weapons. It’s only a matter of time until Ursa Major here puts down that halberd and picks up an AK47 with her newly opposable-thumbed paws. The bear is also fully bipedal. Humans, bow before your new ursine overlords.
Oh, but it looks like she’s waving “Hi.” Maybe we should go over and see if she’s a friendly bear. You know, most bears are more afraid of us than we are of them.
The Horror! The Agony! She has sliced open my abdominal cavity and is feasting on my pancreas!!!! Get help quickly. Don’t let my death be in vain. Life is escaping me, but promise me. Promise me you will find the bear’s young and do to them what she has done to me… .. .
Udmurtia – it has to be made up, right? Nope. It’s real. Nestled in the forests just west of the Ural Mountains in south-central Russia, Udmurtia is home to about 1 million Udmurts. The Udmurts speak a Permic language, related to Finnish and Hungarian. Here’s a map.
Still looks fake, right? This could totally be a map of an imaginary island in the Arctic Sea. Nope. It’s the totally real land of Udmurtia. Still don’t believe it? Here’s a picture of a real live Udmurt lady. I think her name is Udmyrtle.
She looks like a nice lady. Having some sort of religious ecstasy, I’d guess. But nice. It’s certainly beautiful embroidery. Anyhow, I’m guessing Udmurtia is to Russia as Wyoming is to the United States.
On to the flag. It’s not that bad. A bit too long, if you ask me. And that eight pointed star thing – I’d nix it, but at least it’s not too frou-frou.
Penza Oblast, Russia
Penza Oblast is a fairly obscure Russian province located in the Volga valley. A superficial search returns limited bits of obscure information: it is located in the same time zone in Moscow and there are two national and two regional cell phone carriers from which to choose. So much to communism! Yay, capitalism for the win! It was also the setting for a doomsday cult whose leader attempted suicide earlier this year. Not good small talk material here.
Now to this flag. It’s obvious that Penzanian really like Jesus. And they’re probably Orthodox, hence the idol. In my research, this is the only flag to bear a picture of Jesus. If Penza were to go to war, it would be hard to argue that God’s not on their side. I mean, check out their flag. I wonder if they pay a licensing fee to Bethlehem.
It’s an interesting choice for a flag. It would never happen in the West. I bet there is at least one or two Buddhists or Muslims that might be offended by Jesus staring at them from atop the local Kremlin. It’s also an interesting choice to have just Jesus’ head up there. Maybe it’s John the Baptist? Someone with at least a family resemblance to Jesus. Whoever he is, he could use a haircut, or at least run a comb through his hair. And maybe a little manscaping around the eyebrows. Just a suggestion, oh Holy Son of God.