Shimane, Japan

Shimane, Japan

Let me apologize and explain to the rest of the world for what has seemed to be a pro-Asian bias in calling out badflags. South America has its wacky colors and crazy patterns. Europe is full of heraldic disasters, and North America suffers from a surfeit of new committee designed monstrosities. Africa comes out a little better than those, but still has some clunkers. Asia on the other hand is dullsville when it comes to flags. Not much is offensive, and nothing is great. China has one flag for 1.3 billion people. Just like time zones, the communist leaders think one is good enough for all Chinese people.

Inasmuch as most Asian flags are safe, I think I can still find a few to poke some fun at if I try hard enough. Shimane, Japan, for instance. I have to give it credit for parsimonious use of color. And a nice set of symbols in the middle, which apparently represent the character “ma.” “Shi” means four. So the flag accurately represents four of “ma”s. What I really think, though, is that it is secret code. The flag is trying to tell us that robotic rolls of Bic Wite Out tape square dance here.  Those Japanese will turn anything into a cutesy robot. You know it’s true, but they’re embarassed about getting pigeon holed, hence the subterfuge.

Ainu People – Japan

The Ainu people are a group indigenous to Hokkaido, the nothernmost major island of Japan. Most people think of Japan as a monoethnic state, but about 150,000 Japanese citizens claim some degree of Ainu ancestry. The Ainu are morphologically dissimilar from most other Japanese people; they tend to be quite hairy (men never shave after a certain point in their lives) and have European looking features. Women tattoo their upper lips. Y-chromosome and mtDNA genetic testing has found that the Ainu are most closely related to New Guineans and Andaman Islanders. The Ainu languange, of which there are less than 1,000 speakers, is an isolate – not firmly related to any other language.

Ainu Folk

Hisotrically, the Ainu have been marginalized in their own lands, in much a similar way as Native Americans. In fact, the Japanese government officially recognized that the Ainu are an indigenous group in June of this year.

Thought the Ainu have lots of obstacles, that doesn’t exempt their flag from ridicule. Officially, the blue represents the sky, the white is snow and the red is an arrow. In truth, though, I think the white line is obviously a squid. The blue is the sea and the red shape is a harpoon. The flag secretly represents the Ainu tradition of calamari stabbing, which culminates with a major festival every August. Squid shish kebabs, squid waffles, squid yogurt, squid upside down cake, squid burgers and squid pizza. But because the Japanese are such advocates of the preservation of sea creatures, the Ainu have to hide the glory of their festival into their flag. Kind of like the Da Vinci Code.

Thanks to Robox for mentioning badflags and the Ainu flag on the Jeopardy Message Board!

Kyrgyzstan

Kyrgyzstan – the nation that hates vowels. The Kyrgyz people also apparently hate visual appeal. Located between the breathtaking Tien Shan mountians and the Fergama Valley, famous for its apricots, Kyrgyzstan is a rugged nation of 5.3 million formerly dominated by the Soviet Union and only recently throwing off the shackles of autocratic leader Askar Akayev. Though Kyrgyzstan recently underwent the “Tulip Revolution” under Kurmanbek Bakiyev but political instability is rampant.

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The circle on the flag is supposed to represent a Kyrgyz yurt. The gold sun-shaped thing represents either the 40 Kyrgyz tribes or the 40 warriors of the mythical Kyrgyz hero Manas. Red is the national color. The duo or triple lines crossing the yurt are supposed to be support beams for said yurt. In all, a nice try at representing cultural keys, but there’s one big problem.

This flag leads me to believe the Kyrgyz people worship a giant flaming tennis ball in the sky. It would be a more appropriate flag for Andre Aggassi or Arantxa Sanchez Vicario.

Chota Udaipur, India – Historic

I’d watch out for those folks in Udaipur. According to thier former flag, they lie in wait inside of crowns and then stab you. In fact, to this day, crown-based stabbings are the #1 cause of death in Udiapur.

Brunei

Really interesting flag, Brunei. To start out, the downward slope, I probably would have avoided. That’s just not subliminally optimistic. I’m fine with the stripes, but couldn’t they at least have made the white and black ones equal in size? Racists. Now the emblem in the middle is where I start to have some trouble, Brunei. At first glance, it looks like a faceless head with giant elfin ears. Upon closer inspection, it seems to be some sort of Seussical creation. Two hands encircling a crescent holding a pedestal topped by a what appears to be a moustache topped by a bottlecap topped by a smaller flag.

Orcha, India – Historic

It’s a good thing this flag is no longer used in Orcha, India. How bad do things have to be to make this your flag? That’s pretty defeatist. Maybe the rajah make a crack after the caution tape came out another natural disaster or disease outbreak or uprising – “maybe we should make that our flag.” No one thought he was kidding, I guess. It’s a perfectly servicible interim flag: it was used on millions of web sites in the late 1990s until content could be found.

Jainism

Sometimes, no matter how long you’ve used something, someone else comes along and ruins it for everyone. It’s like a when a person you don’t like starts to use one of your favorite fonts in all her emails. You just can’t make yourself use it ever again. Jainism apparently doesn’t feel that way. They stick to their guns. I suppose they don’t have guns, because one of the religion’s tennet is to never kill anything. Even insects. So that probably includes Jews. I’m just saying.

Ayeyarwady Division, Myanmar

I feel like I’ve been beating up on South American flags a lot. That’s because there are a lot of bad flags to be found there. But at least they’re willing to take risks. The same can not be said about Asian flags. In general, the Asians play it safe in vexillology. But this gem from Myanmar is the perfect combination of tackiness, bad colors and uninspired symbology to qualify as a Bad Flag. Ayeyarwady Division is located at the mouth of the Irrawady river on the Andaman Sea. To represent the abundance of water, this flag displays wavy blue and white stripes. A little bit disorienting. The kicker is the geographical representation of the province. If you know the lay of the land, you can see that it’s a delta region with lots of alluvial islands. But if you don’t, it kind of looks like a pear rotting from the inside and crumbling apart. The orange color is a particulary bad choice. The only redeeming quality is more accidental than anything else. I love Burmese script. It’s very bubbly. I can’t read it, but I’ll bet is says “Ayeyarwady Division.”

Pahang, Malaysia

This one is just a small step above Libya in terms of effort. “Damn, Malaysia just became independent and I guess they made us a state or something. We’re going to need a freakin’ flag. Let’s not waste too much time on this – I say one color tops. What? People don’t like single-color flags? Fine. Let’s see. White – is that a color? Wait, is white or black the one that’s all the colors put together, because I always get that confused. Anyhow, I’m sure you all know that we don’t have any color printers here yet. So let’s just agree: white on top and black on the bottom. That way we can just fax this over to those tools in Kuala Lumpur and be done with it.”

Saudi Arabia

Saudi Arabia. I actually don’t have too many problems with this one. But one question stands out. Why the sword? I think it’s a little uh… militant. Maybe in a culture where beheading isn’t a still-used form of capital punishment – but for Saudi Arabia, I think it’s too soon. I get a very stabby/slashy vibe from this one. The script reads: “There is no God but Allah and Muhammad is his messenger.” That’s fine and good. It’s even a very beautiful script, and the green is very pleasing. But Saudia Arabia’s oil-based economy is surely not green. Nor is its mostly desertified landscape. But I guess that’s neither here nor there. Anyhow, if they’re serious about being badass and having weaponry on their flag, I suggest something more modern, like Mozambique…