Bani Suwayf, Egypt

The only symbols I can verifiably identify here are the zigzaggy river and the arched bridge. After that, it gets pretty fuzzy.

I think the orange and yellow blob is the Bent Pyramid of Sneferu. Which was a total let down, by the way - the slaves got half way up, had to change course a little, and then had to start over from scratch. (Twice actaully, as Sneferu’s Red Pyramid was also a bust.) It’s a good thing he ruled for 29 years, or his mummy might have been stowed away in this subpar architectural blunder. But Egyptian engineering really picked up steam quickly, due to Sneferu’s building spree. His son Khufu commissioned the Great Pyramid of Giza, which makes Sneferu’s Bent Pyramid look super lame in comparison.

After that, it gets really tricky. There are three tower-like objects. Two are ethereal, not anchored to the ground, and are spewing some sort of pollution. Maybe one of these is the Olympic torch?  The other, I think is the world’s largest croquembouche, with a pink entrance, that you can climb up into to view the Bent Pyramid. I can’t triangulate my sources on this one, though.

Benin Empire (Historical)

The Benin Empire was a powerful, though small, swath of what is now southern Nigeria, know best in modern times for its expressive ceremonial masks.

Benin Mask

Assumed to be made of ivory, there is a dark secret behind these eerie masks. And the key to that dark secret can be found on its flag (naturally.) Only a dedicated Harvard symbologist like yours truly could discern this hidden mystery from the depths of time. If you know anything of the fauna of the Niger Delta, you’ll know that the elephants that lived there in the 16th century (now extirpated) did not bear large tusks. They were said to have been elephants of the Gods, with their small tusks, no larger than the average okapi molar (which is preternaturally small, really.) This is important.

Upon investigating the flag, you’ll notice that the background color is red. This is the color of Benin goddess Baesh. Baesh is an anagram of the Biblical Queen of Sheba, who sent the ships of Tarshish asail in search of terebinth and myrrh. In the Niger Basin, myrrh was the incense associated with the color red. So there’s that. Mystical, right?

Now, when we investigate the symbols on this flag, the human figure on the right thrusting the sword is obvioulsy a symbol of the divine feminine. Obviously. The figure on the left with its lifting hairpiece is a symbol of the ravages of time. So the divine feminine is defeating the act of aging. The eternal goddess Baesh slaying time itself.

Which leads me to my paradign-shifting conclusion that some people would send an albino Beninese holy man to kill me over: 

THE MASKS ARE MADE OF PEOPLE!  THEY AREN’T MADE OF IVORY – HUMAN SKULLS WERE CARVED INTO MASKS! (Gross, right?)

 

*Thanks to alexandre van de sande for the flag suggestion.

Chad

Chad

No, not the kid who picked his nose and ate library paste in second grade. Also, not that douchy guy that played Tristan on The Gilmore Girls. Not the equally douchy football player who tried to change his name to “Ocho Cinco.”  And no, not the errant bit of shoddily designed ballot paper from the 2000 election in Florida. The nation. In north central Africa. You know, the one with the blindingly horrific poverty, large doses of autocracy and a Darfurian refugee problem. Yeah, that Chad.

Chad, I know you don’t have a lot to work with. You’re landlocked. You’re half covered by the Sahara, and much of the rest of you is desertifying rapidly. Your namesake Lake Chad is shrinking by the hour. You are  by many accounts one of the poorest and most corrupt nations on earth, being ruled by robber baron Idriss Deby since 1990. But in the name of Allah, I have to tell you something about your flag.

Well, first, it’s pretty boring. But most importantly, um… it’s been done. In Romania. And yes, they had it first.

Romania

Remember those Olympics in the ’70s when Nadia Comenici won all those gymnastics medals? And the medal ceremony when they RAISED THIS FLAG? Chad, you didn’t really think you’d won those medals, did you?

So Chad, I have some tough advice for you right now. First, kick out that despot and find a leader that will finally address that poverty problem. Second, design a new flag. You can do better than a cheap knockoff of Romania.

Central African Republic

Central African Republic

 Central African Republic is perhaps the most generically named nation on the face of the earth. When you think about all the creatively named nations in Africa, it makes you wonder why the Central African Republicans (?) are so dull. Zambia, Togo, Burundi, Uganda, Madagascar, Malawi – all awesome names. Central African Republic even started off with a great (if suggestive) name (Ubangi-Shari) but forsook it for something more prosaic. I suppose there is some value to the name – the average person could probably point somewhere near the accurate location of Central African Republic on a map. The location of Gabon isn’t nearly as obvious by its name. 

In an effort to make up for the dullness in name, the Central African Republicans thought they would go a little nuts on their flag. Not content for a tricolor, they settled on four bands of color. But, if four is good – five has to be better, right? So goes the logic in Central African Republic. But a fifth band of color was just a little too much – it got to look like a rainbow. So they decided to think outside of the box (but within the rectangle) and turn that fifth band on its end. The result is reminiscent of Tetris. Or Connect Four. A star is added for extra oomph.

Matruh, Egypt

Another bad animal flag. I guess way out in Egypt’s Eastern Desert, there’s not a whole lot of wildlife to choose from. But I’m not quite sure what this beast is supposed to be. It’s in profile, so my first guess is unicorn, which is a.w.e.s.o.m.e. But my best guess is gazelle, which is kinda cool. But I thought gazelles had more of a tail than that. So my last guess is goat. Goats are pretty cool, but I’m not sure if they’re flag-worthy. I do think the eye spot is a big mistake. I think it would have been totally apparent that the sillhouette was an animal without the blobby eye being drawn on with a Sharpie or something. The gold trapezoid on the right side doesn’t add enough interest to warrant its presence.

Afar Revolutionary Democratic Unity Front

Much international attention has been focused in recent years on the political instability in the Horn of Africa. As Somalia descended into Civil War, Ethiopia staves off food shortages and bad governance, and Eritrea fends off hostilities from its neighbors, splinter groups have found a fertile atmosphere.

The Afar Revolutionary Democratic Unity Front’s goal is to untie the ethnic Afar regions of Ethiopia, Eritrea, Djbouti and Somalia, apparently under the gun and torch – which doesn’t seem all that democratic to me. Other than the mixed messages, the flag is quite ingenious. It incorporates elements from the flags of Ethiopia (the star), Somalia (the light blue background), and Djbouti (the triangle.) The Afar Revolutionary Democratic Unity Front does not recognize Eritrea’s sovereignty.

Libya

 OK, I’ve been away for a while. I think Themistocles said it best after the Battle of Salamis: “Sometimes life interferes with badflags.” Anyway, my apologies, and as a token of my regrets for leaving you stranded without badflags, I now present the flag you’ve doubtless been waiting for.

Libya.

The only nation to have a single colored flag. My first thought: this is a very, very lazy flag. Simplicity has its virtures, but this one borders on the simpletonian. One color. Green represents both Islam, and Moamar Gaddhafi’s “Green Revolution.” That’s very well, but couldn’t Libyans think of anything else they might want to represent on their flag? Libya is a nation of amazing history and diversity. From the Greek and Roman ruins at Leptis Magna to prehistoric rock art in the Sahara, to the rich amalgam of Arab, Touraeg and Berber cultures. Nothing in there you’re proud enough of to put it on a flag?

Second, I think about the color: green. There are few nations less green than Libya. It’s a big a sham as calling Greenland “green.” Also the primary export is petroleum; and that’s as big a sham as calling ExxonMobil “green.” Looking at a Googe Earth map of Libya, it seems to me that tan would have been a far better choice:

View Larger Map

Finally, Libya has had a variety of flags in the past. This flag became the offical one in 1977 in protest of Egyptian President Anwar Sadat’s visit to Israel to form a partnership for peace in the Middle East. So it’s kinds of a historic FU to the Jews and those who wish for peace on earth. I know Gaddhafi has of late been much less of a tyrant and all-around a-hole than in the past. But wouldn’t anybody, even now, stand up to him to change the flag? Some of the old ones aren’t that bad – given the fact that strict adherence to Islam prevents the depiction of animals and people. And certainly after that whole Lockerbie business, you’d think Libya would want to repent a bit more. They did give up their nuclear weapons programs, and opened up more to the West, but come on.  Changing their flag would be a small gesture at accepting peace, making a break with the past and recognizing the creativity of the Libyan people.

Tiznit, Morocco

Wow, there is a lot of shiznit going on in Tiznit. Sorry – I had to do it. The rising sun was a good start. It looks great on Macedonia. Tiznit, you should have stopped there. The righthand side is a total mess. Those black areas are actually negative spaces. So the edge of this flag has fringe. I guess that’s an authentic Moroccan treatment, but I think it’s more than a bit tacky. Next, there’s an irregular eight-pointed star. I guess six points has been done (Israel…) and five points is too Wicca. So a really awkward eight-pointer will do. Kinda reminiscent of a previous badflag. Blam! Now, tie together three curved knives, and you’ve really laid out the welcome mat. Stab!

Oromia, Ethiopia

Few people know that this flag is the only flag to feature a stalk of broccoli. Well, some rare variants of the flag of Brussels, Belgium feature Brussels sprouts, but that’s not the same as broccoli, though they are botanically related.

al-Minufiya, Egypt

I was pretty sure this was the flag that we were going to use after the apolcalypse. But it looks like al-Minufiya (located in Egypt’s central Nile Valley) has broken into that vault and started to fly the flag. Gears are a common emblem on Egyptian flags. Second only to ancient Egyptian symbols (but I couldn’t find a mummy flag.) Also depicted on this flag are a smokestack (or obelisk/pillar?) three bird (perhaps seagulls, but most likely doves,) and a golden olive wreath. The gear seems to be on fire. My best guess is that this flag represents a particular moment in al-Minufiya history: the day of the industrial accident at the gear factory, which burned all the olive branches and smokestacks in town. Three birds were the only survivors, and apparently designed the flag themselves by pecking in Arabic Morse code.