Gary, Indiana

Gary, Indiana

This flag commemorates the moment when 1971 Gary-native Michael Jackson time traveled to shake the hand of 2006 Bahrain-native Michael Jackson.

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Iowa

Flag of Iowa

OK, Iowa. I’ll try not to be too hard on you, in case I ever need to run for President. But I’ve got a three big problems with your flag. First, the design is taken from the French Tricolor, in deference to Iowa’s being a part of the Louisiana Purchase from France. Um, Louisiana doesn’t even care about that anymore; is this just an attempt at sexying up Des Moines? Second, your main emblem is a bald eagle. Though bald eagles are present in small numbers in Iowa, it’s hardly their ideal habitat. See, bald eagles like stands of old growth forests, and …oh wait… no, they don’t care for  millions of acres of monoculture corn farms. Thrid, who is this supernatural eagle that can carry such a long ribbon and keep all the right words in order and facing forward? That’s a long motto, Iowa – maybe to make up for your four-letter name?  Normally, I’d hate that the word “Iowa” was written on the flag, but if it weren’t, I honestly would have no idea where this flag came from. Some sort of French libertarian community?

Good Flag: Palanga, Lithuania

Good Flag: Palanga, Lithuania

This flag is really good because it’s simple and tells a great story. Palanga lies on the Baltic seashore of Lithuania and is the center of the Baltic amber industry. Lithuania was the last European country to convert to Christianity, and the vast majority of Lithuanians are Roman Catholic, which allows for an amount of syncretism. Elements of pre-Christian folklore remain just below the surface, such as in this flag.

This flag recounts the myth of Jūratė and Kastytis.  Jūratė was a goddess and queen of the sea who lived in a castle made of amber. Kastytis was a fisherman who was catching too many fish and disrupting Jūratė’s realm. She had him captured, but before she could punish him, they fell in love. Kastytis came to live in the amber castle, and all was well until thunder god Perkunas caught wind of the taboo relationship between goddess and mortal. He sent a lightning bolt and destroyed the amber castle, killing Kastytis. He chained Jūratė to the ruins and left her to mourn eternally. The amber that washes up on Lithuania’s beaches after storms is said to be bits of Jūratė’s castle.

The crown on this flag is Jūratė’s, though it might be mistaken for Marge Simpson’s, the necklace is made of amber beads, and the blue background represents the sea. Simple, meaningful and tells a 1,000-year-old tale of forbiden love. Hard to beat.

Shimane, Japan

Shimane, Japan

Let me apologize and explain to the rest of the world for what has seemed to be a pro-Asian bias in calling out badflags. South America has its wacky colors and crazy patterns. Europe is full of heraldic disasters, and North America suffers from a surfeit of new committee designed monstrosities. Africa comes out a little better than those, but still has some clunkers. Asia on the other hand is dullsville when it comes to flags. Not much is offensive, and nothing is great. China has one flag for 1.3 billion people. Just like time zones, the communist leaders think one is good enough for all Chinese people.

Inasmuch as most Asian flags are safe, I think I can still find a few to poke some fun at if I try hard enough. Shimane, Japan, for instance. I have to give it credit for parsimonious use of color. And a nice set of symbols in the middle, which apparently represent the character “ma.” “Shi” means four. So the flag accurately represents four of “ma”s. What I really think, though, is that it is secret code. The flag is trying to tell us that robotic rolls of Bic Wite Out tape square dance here.  Those Japanese will turn anything into a cutesy robot. You know it’s true, but they’re embarassed about getting pigeon holed, hence the subterfuge.

Jekabpils, Latvia

Jekabpils, Latvia

OK, readers are going to have to link to this post wherever possible. Because I don’t think I’m going to be able to rely on search engine traffic on Jekabpils, Latvia.

All I have to say here is: Again with an impaled beast? I think this is a lynx. But I’m not even sure of that. Jekabpilsians seem to have a reverence for animal mutilation, so this may be a wolf with a cropped tail and cropped snout. (Ouch.) Or possibly a particularly hirsute donkey with a mutant face.

Chad

Chad

No, not the kid who picked his nose and ate library paste in second grade. Also, not that douchy guy that played Tristan on The Gilmore Girls. Not the equally douchy football player who tried to change his name to “Ocho Cinco.”  And no, not the errant bit of shoddily designed ballot paper from the 2000 election in Florida. The nation. In north central Africa. You know, the one with the blindingly horrific poverty, large doses of autocracy and a Darfurian refugee problem. Yeah, that Chad.

Chad, I know you don’t have a lot to work with. You’re landlocked. You’re half covered by the Sahara, and much of the rest of you is desertifying rapidly. Your namesake Lake Chad is shrinking by the hour. You are  by many accounts one of the poorest and most corrupt nations on earth, being ruled by robber baron Idriss Deby since 1990. But in the name of Allah, I have to tell you something about your flag.

Well, first, it’s pretty boring. But most importantly, um… it’s been done. In Romania. And yes, they had it first.

Romania

Remember those Olympics in the ’70s when Nadia Comenici won all those gymnastics medals? And the medal ceremony when they RAISED THIS FLAG? Chad, you didn’t really think you’d won those medals, did you?

So Chad, I have some tough advice for you right now. First, kick out that despot and find a leader that will finally address that poverty problem. Second, design a new flag. You can do better than a cheap knockoff of Romania.

Asku, Kazakhstan

Asku, Kazakhstan

This flag seems more appropriate for someone like the Jadis, the White Witch.

Aventura, Florida

Aventura, Florida

Aventura, Florida may be the only city in the United States that is named after a shopping mall. Founded in just 1995 when a condo development sprung up near the mall in drained swampland, Aventura may also be the youngest city to brag about its founding date. Seriously, when Old Navy is older than you, there is no need to tout your city’s “history.”

The template of the flag is lifted from the flag of Israel (with a condo, sailboat and seagulls naturally replacing the Star of David.) Aventura is home to a large Jewish population, so maybe that’s no surprise. It’s also home to a large Romanian population, so I was kind of hoping for at least a throwaway Dracula reference, but no dice.

I think the most offensive part of this flag is the mixture of fonts. CAPS LOCK Times New Roman plus a really outdated script (in gold, no less) really strike me as much poorer planning than I would have expected from such a rigorously planned community. In light of the current economic crisis that is especially affecting Florida’s real estate market, maybe depicting a big condo building on your flag isn’t the wisest choice. That sailboat is probably repossessed by now. But from my research, there isn’t much else in Aventura that could be depicted on a flag. Thankfully, this problem was solved centuries ago by the Belgians, who upon finding nothing flag-worthy in Belgium, just threw together a generic tricolor.

Greenburgh, New York

Greenburgh, New York

I think the town motto is either, “Who wants chili?” or “Eye of Newt and Tongue of Shrew, Make a Vile Witches’ Brew.”