Long Beach, Mississippi

Long Beach, Mississippi

Though the cheery clip art and chipper slogan, the story of Long Beach, Mississippi is one of repeated tragedy. 

Most recently, Hurricane Katrina plowed over this Gulf Coast town, destroying 90% of the buildings along its waterfront and decimating the town’s library.

Possibly even more tragic (OK – not even close) is a story so wrenching it made its way into the Long Beach flag. The city was founded in 1905 for one purpose and one purpose alone. Radish farming. Radishes were once served alongside beer, as pretzels are today. So intense was this radish farming that after the bumper crop of 1921, some 300 train loads of radishes were shipped out. But as you’ll see from the flag, the radishes Long Beach grew are not the radishes that have the favor of the American palate these days. On the flag, the radishes look kind of like red carrots. As tastes changed, round radishes came into vogue, leaving the growers of the long radishes of Long Beach with long faces. Radish production dropped off sharply soon after.

Måsøy, Finnmark, Norway

Måsøy, Finnmark, Norway

OK, so both the hammer and sickle were already taken, so the residents of the Måsøy commune of northernmost Norway chose another brutal looking tool as the symbol of their region. The gaff, also known as the hakapik. It’s an ingenious creation meant to bring total destruction to the wicked baby seal at the business end. As both a bludgenoning tool to smash the seal’s sull and and hacking tool, to drag away the freshly killed cottony soft carcass, you kill two birds (or one innocent infant seal) with one blow. 

Now I know the Aurora Borealis is a little difficult to replicate on a flag – especially in two colors. But the next time the residents of Måsøy gather to create a new flag, I strongly suggest something less medieval weaopnish and controversial.

Jerome County, Idaho

Jerome County, Idaho

Aside from being home to a Japanese Internment Camp during World War II, Jerome County Idaho has a awful flag. Even for a county in the state that elected a US Senator with the last name of Crapo.  Another fun tidbit about Jerome County, Idaho – it’s nickname is Jerri County. Yeah. With and “i.” Weird, right?

A factory, a cow and a tractor. Hmm. I think of the tractor and the cow at least one is redundant. And what does it take to get a potato up in here? Give the people what they want, Jerome County, Idaho!

St. Moritz, Switzerland

St. Moritz, Switzerland

OK, this flag is suuposed to show St. Mauritius – the 3rd Century former Roman soldier of Egyptian Coptic origin who refused to harass Christians at the behest of Emperor Maximian and was martyred near present day St. Moritz along with his legion. And that’s a nice way to venerate such a stand up guy.

But the execution (sorry St.  Mo) of this flag leaves a lot to be desired. It looks like a tribute to the first  Swedish knight with a pageboy haircut to walk on the moon.

Puglia, Italy

Puglia, Italy

Puglia or Fuglia?

Fort Smith, Northwest Territories, Canada

Fort Smith, Northwest Territories

Well, there’s no doubt which town this flag is for. The TOWN OF FORT SMITH. Interesting arrangement of bison… One big bison with two little bison flanked by pairs of pine trees right below it. So they have bison there. And more bison. And more bison. Visit their tourism web site, and you’ll see that the major selling point is…wait for it…bison. In fact if you dig down a little into the site, you’ll find a whole page devoted to bison. I guess it all makes sense, as Wood Buffalo Park is home to the world’s largest herd of free-roaming bison. Although, if they’re free-roaming, I guess there’s really no guarantee they’ll be in Wood Buffalo Park – so I’d call ahead before you make the drive up there.

The rest of the flag is a little bit of a head scratcher. The river I get. But I’m not sure why it runs through a set of disembodied bird wings and into a downward pointing arrow leading to the word “PERSEVERENCE” written in a weird Medievally font.

Ulan Bator, Mongolia

I’m really conflicted as to whether this flag is really bad or really badass. A Garuda bird (in Buddhism, Garuda refers to a kind of anthropomorphic predatory bird that hasintelligence and social organization, as opposed to the Hindu Garuda, which refers to a specific deity.) Anyhow, this Garuda looks a little tubby. If he’s not careful, he might be developing a major case of adult onset diabetes with all that midsection flab. And the moobs can’t help his self esteem. Although I guess he is on a flag.

Udmurtia, Russia

Udmurtia, Russia

Udmurtia – it has to be made up, right? Nope. It’s real. Nestled in the forests just west of the Ural Mountains in south-central Russia, Udmurtia is home to about 1 million Udmurts. The Udmurts speak a Permic language, related to Finnish and Hungarian. Here’s a map.

Still looks fake, right? This could totally be a map of an imaginary island in the Arctic Sea. Nope. It’s the totally real land of Udmurtia. Still don’t believe it? Here’s a picture of a real live Udmurt lady. I think her name is Udmyrtle.

 

She looks like a nice lady. Having some sort of religious ecstasy, I’d guess. But nice. It’s certainly beautiful embroidery. Anyhow, I’m guessing Udmurtia is to Russia as Wyoming is to the United States.

On to the flag. It’s not that bad. A bit too long, if you ask me. And that eight pointed star thing – I’d nix it, but at least it’s not too frou-frou.

Nicaragua (Historic – 1854-1857, 1873-1879)

Nicaragua (1854-1857, 1873-1879)

Bland city!  A horizontal tricolor – yellow, white and Band-Aid color. It’s a good thing Nicaragua got rid of this flag. But then the Nicaraguans took it back. And then finally got rid of it. In Nicaragua, getting rid of a badflag is like getting out of a bad relationship. Really, though, this flag’s popularity waxed and waned with the fortunes of the ultimately losing side in Nicaragua’s prolonged Civil War. Regardless of the politics of the parties, I’m grateful the side with more flair for flag design came out on top.

Hopefully this flag is gone forever. But with newly “re-elected” former Sandinista Daniel Ortega as dictator president, who know what wacky things are in store?

Cusco, Peru

Cusco, Peru

Wow -it’s hard to out-gay the Gay Pride flag. But this former Inca capital did it by adding a turquoise stripe to the traditional 6 colored rainbow. Seven colors on a flag is a bit more than over the top. But seriously, support the Human Rights Campaign.