Confederate States of America (vernacular) – Historic

This ranks as one of the worst bad flags in existence. The nation it represented thankfully subsided into the sands of time more than 140 years ago.  And yet is seen all over the United States. The design of the flag is not particular offensive, though it is quite derivative. The true badness of this flag comes in its symbolism.

The Confederate States of America (CSA) broke away from the United States in 1861 to preserve the practice of slavery, among other things. Though the CSA had several official flags in its short and wretched existence, the “stars and bars” was never one of them. It was derived in the 20th century from the Confederate Naval Ensign. Still, this flag represents the oppression of slavery nonetheless. Those who fly it are espousing the Confederate values of racial hatred. 

Furthermore, the South lost the Civil War and had to give up the abhorent institution of slavery, though some still tried to prevent African Americans from voting and being a part of political society until 100 years later. It baffles me that people choose to fly it as a symbol of pride. It is a symbol of shame.  

Flag of Mississippi

This insidious symbol has found its way into many modern flags, including the state flag of Mississippi. It was only removed from the flag of Georgia in 2003. It is flown at the South Carolina state capitol as a symbol of Southern “heritage.” Racism and intimidation is more like it.

This flag should be offensive to every person who values freedom.

Central African Republic

Central African Republic

 Central African Republic is perhaps the most generically named nation on the face of the earth. When you think about all the creatively named nations in Africa, it makes you wonder why the Central African Republicans (?) are so dull. Zambia, Togo, Burundi, Uganda, Madagascar, Malawi – all awesome names. Central African Republic even started off with a great (if suggestive) name (Ubangi-Shari) but forsook it for something more prosaic. I suppose there is some value to the name – the average person could probably point somewhere near the accurate location of Central African Republic on a map. The location of Gabon isn’t nearly as obvious by its name. 

In an effort to make up for the dullness in name, the Central African Republicans thought they would go a little nuts on their flag. Not content for a tricolor, they settled on four bands of color. But, if four is good – five has to be better, right? So goes the logic in Central African Republic. But a fifth band of color was just a little too much – it got to look like a rainbow. So they decided to think outside of the box (but within the rectangle) and turn that fifth band on its end. The result is reminiscent of Tetris. Or Connect Four. A star is added for extra oomph.

Ainu People – Japan

The Ainu people are a group indigenous to Hokkaido, the nothernmost major island of Japan. Most people think of Japan as a monoethnic state, but about 150,000 Japanese citizens claim some degree of Ainu ancestry. The Ainu are morphologically dissimilar from most other Japanese people; they tend to be quite hairy (men never shave after a certain point in their lives) and have European looking features. Women tattoo their upper lips. Y-chromosome and mtDNA genetic testing has found that the Ainu are most closely related to New Guineans and Andaman Islanders. The Ainu languange, of which there are less than 1,000 speakers, is an isolate – not firmly related to any other language.

Ainu Folk

Hisotrically, the Ainu have been marginalized in their own lands, in much a similar way as Native Americans. In fact, the Japanese government officially recognized that the Ainu are an indigenous group in June of this year.

Thought the Ainu have lots of obstacles, that doesn’t exempt their flag from ridicule. Officially, the blue represents the sky, the white is snow and the red is an arrow. In truth, though, I think the white line is obviously a squid. The blue is the sea and the red shape is a harpoon. The flag secretly represents the Ainu tradition of calamari stabbing, which culminates with a major festival every August. Squid shish kebabs, squid waffles, squid yogurt, squid upside down cake, squid burgers and squid pizza. But because the Japanese are such advocates of the preservation of sea creatures, the Ainu have to hide the glory of their festival into their flag. Kind of like the Da Vinci Code.

Thanks to Robox for mentioning badflags and the Ainu flag on the Jeopardy Message Board!

Mont-Laureir, Quebec

Another lame flag from Canada. I actually like Canada, and can see its mapley goodness from my hotel room in Detroit right now. Canandians, I have to admit I’ve cracked a few jokes at your expense today. When viewing the pinned map that represents hometowns of visitors to the MoTown studios, there were conspicuosly few Canadian pins depite your proximity. I had to attribute that to your modesty. You didn’t want to bother the museum staff to find and place a new pin just for you. And just so you know, either would I. My hometown wasn’t pinned either, but I actually blushed at the thought of asking someone to pin it for me.

Alright, Canadians – now that we have some rapport, I feel like I can poke a little more fun at one of your flags. Well, it’s a Quebecois flag, so I’m not even sure many of the English speaking Canadians would take any umbrage at all, but better safe than sorry (which is the Canadian national motto, I’ve heard.)

But first is first: the “Mont” in Mont-Laurier refers to a peak that is 244 meters above sea level. Seems more like a “colline” to me.

This flag is absolute tripe. It’s the laziest effort at a flag I’ve seen from either Canadians or Canadiens. So lazy, that the artist didn’t even bother picking up his or her calligraphy pen between the M (for Mont, presumably) and L (for Laureir, ostensibly.) A black mark on a white flag has the potential to make a bold statement, but this flag reeks of lack of effort. Back to the drawing board!

Southland, New Zealand

By now, I’m sure you know how I feel about flags with word on them; especially when the words are a slogan. This flag has a whole buttload of word on it. According to this flag, Southland is the place in New Zealand with the spirit of the nation. That must be true, because most of the Kiwis I’ve met have been soulless drones. (Disclaimer: They haven’t been from Southlands. Disclaimer #2: I’ve never met a kiwi, except for the flightless bird in a zoo.)

I think the silhouette is performing New Zealand’s national sport – which contrary to popular belief isn’t bungee jumping or even zorbing. It’s rhythmic gymnastics. If I had a say in the design of the flag, I’d make the figure a little less “prancy.” And is that fireworks or tufts or grass in the background?