Santa Fe, Argentina

Roughly translated, this flag reads “Invincible Province of Santa Fe.” I really hope they’re good with a spear and two arrows, because if that’s their munitions stockpile, they could be wiped out by one guy with a gun. Not so invincible. Alhtough in the ’60s and ’70s, Argentina did flirt with a veiled nuclear weapons program. A little bit of acting out at a time when the U.S. and Soivet Union were fighting proxy wars the world over, except for the Southern Cone. But then they thought it through: we’re Argentina, right? Who is our enemy? Brazil? Paraguay? Then the Argentines realized their efforts were best spent on drinking yerba mate, getting suntans and plastic surgery and wrapped it up.

Lubbock, Texas

Just like they like it in Texas: big and tacky. And pretty boastful too. (Legendary? I haven’t even heard a tall tale about Lubbock.) Music crossroads of Texas? I thought Austin was already the live music capital of the world – way to dream big, Lubbock. I suppose that means that all the musicians pass through Lubbock on their way to Austin or other places in Texas. That, or they’re just warning musicians that there is a strong chance they could get T-Boned there at that intersection. Slogans aside, this flag is really terrible. It looks like it was designed by one of the Designing Women – not any of the ones with taste, though – one of the ones who wore shoulder pads. Lots of colors going on, and lots of gradients. If there’s one thing that doesn’t work in a flag, it’s a gradient. I’m glad the designer learned how to use gradients in Adobe FrameMaker, but that didn’t need to make it into a flag.

Centilina, Ecuador

I don’t get it. Chopsticks picking up a marble with a condor on it? That’s quite an aggie they’ve got there, and some wicked good chopsticks skills.

Tristan da Cunha

What are the odds? Another island flag featuring the Union Jack AND spiny lobsters! (See Turks and Caicos.) Tristan da Cunha is an island group in the South Atlantic Ocean that’s impossibly distant and desolate. Discovered by a Portuguese sailor who never landed, yet named the island after himself, Tristan da Cunha has always been halfway to nowhere. It’s a dependency of the territory of St. Helena (where Napoleon died in exile) and one of the islets in the archepelago is called Inaccessible Island. The first man to live there permanently arrived in 1810, and died in a boating accident in 1812. As noted on the flag, the major industry on Tristan da Cunha is lobstering. Sheep and potatoes also are dabbled in. The island’s only power plant was destroyed in February, leaving the 271 residents without electricity even today. Genetic illnesses are common on Tristan da Cunha, as all residents are closely related. A viral outbreak caused contagious asthma around Christmastime last year. I could make fun of their flag, but life already seems impossibly bleak. So I’ll just leave it here.