Tiznit, Morocco

Wow, there is a lot of shiznit going on in Tiznit. Sorry – I had to do it. The rising sun was a good start. It looks great on Macedonia. Tiznit, you should have stopped there. The righthand side is a total mess. Those black areas are actually negative spaces. So the edge of this flag has fringe. I guess that’s an authentic Moroccan treatment, but I think it’s more than a bit tacky. Next, there’s an irregular eight-pointed star. I guess six points has been done (Israel…) and five points is too Wicca. So a really awkward eight-pointer will do. Kinda reminiscent of a previous badflag. Blam! Now, tie together three curved knives, and you’ve really laid out the welcome mat. Stab!

Kehtna, Estonia

Kehtna, Estonia – home of the bird flu. Or perhaps the land of drunken ravens.

Yacumbi Canton, Zamora-Chinchipe, Ecuador

Pow!
Bang!
Whaam!
Zowie!

Guernsey, United Kingdom

Another island, another bad flag.Guernsey is a special case politically. As one of the Channel Islands, it’s actually closer to France than England, and has had some autonomy for hundreds of years. Why this train wreck of a flag, then? It’s incomprehensible to me that someone would chose this when not under duress. My theory: Checkers is the offical passtime of Guernsey, and this flag represents a checkers showdown between the UK and Guernsey. The UK checkers master, Sir Harlston Biddlesworth, IV, had came on strong and won the first match. Then Guernsey’s best checkersist, the impetuous Miss Arabella Swantford, realizing she was far outclassed, flipped the board into the Channel, leaving the results of the final three matches undiscovered. 

Valencia, Spain

I know that the housing market on Spain’s Mediterranean shore has been booming. But there’s no need for Valencia to be bragging about it. The flag is encrusted with diamonds, rubies and emeralds. Gold stripes add to the consipcuous consumption of this flashy flag. On the left, a blue band features golden urns overflowing with swirly riches. Ever since Spain plundered the riches of the Americas, they’ve been kinda cocky about it. Not cool, Spain.

Chota Udaipur, India – Historic

I’d watch out for those folks in Udaipur. According to thier former flag, they lie in wait inside of crowns and then stab you. In fact, to this day, crown-based stabbings are the #1 cause of death in Udiapur.

Donetsk, Ukraine

Now I know the environmental standards in the former Soviet Union were not stellar. But something is really wrong in Donetsk. This flag memorializes the day a brilliant golden sun set over the coal black oil slicked waters of the Irtusk River. Hundreds of Ukrainian wild geese perished, along with the town’s only ox.

Turks and Caicos

I wonder which European sea power once rules these idyllic islands? Seriously, the British leave their mark across the world’s national flags like a dog pissing in a park. Beyond that, the islands’ coat of arms includes a conch shell, a crayfish (or lobster – there’s some controversy on what species of lobster that is – a spiny or a standard) and what appears to be a green Cousin It. Islands don’t do flags well.

Chubut, Argentina

How could you go wrong with wheat, a hydroelectric dam, a zig zag, a wavy line, a sun, a gear and a golden line (apparently representing the multiple rivers of the province?) I really don’t know why gears are the universal symbol of industry, at least on flags. To me, a gear represents an antiquated form of industry. The kind that uses pulleys and donkey carts and still has clocks you have to wind all the time. I’d go for a microchip. The dam is kinda political. Like on the one hand, hydroelectric power is renewable and clean, but it really f-s with ecosystems and then you have to create conveyor belts for salmon and whatnot. If the residents of Chubut are in the market for a flag change, (which I hope they are) I beg them to consider a change in the name of their province. Those skinny bitches in Corrientes Province make fun of all the poor Chub-butts down in Chubut.

Mysore, India – Historic

More like Eyesore.